ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
