walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
