Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
