I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Randomize
