It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
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Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
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Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
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