PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
