Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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