I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
