Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Hope you had your fill for the summer my friend, because all the cleavage has been put away for the winter. Fear not; it blooms again in May.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Randomize
