Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize