It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
