He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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