I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Soap is not a condiment
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
