Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Randomize
