We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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