my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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