How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
NO FUCKBOY SHALL PASS OPERATION #BITCHMODE HAS SUCCEEDED
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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