I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I was just laughing and almost crying after I orgasmed, and then almost crying because I was laughing so hard. That's new.
Does he think you're psycho?
Officially...... yes.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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