I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I made him laugh his dick is mine
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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