He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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