I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
