I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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