I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
