I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
what is it with giant penises always finding me
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
