in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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