Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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