I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Randomize
