she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
