U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
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