im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
Randomize
