she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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