Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
Is it just me or do I always seem to have cum in my bellybutton?
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
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