I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
