I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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