you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
Do plants get herpes?
who is this
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
