Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
