Your face is a jimmy john
Why do girls always cry at the bar?
What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?
Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I am fine. Katie thinkr i broke things pole dancing. I am coherant.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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