why didn't you poke me back
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
Randomize
