i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
