Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
3 2 1 whiskey
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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