yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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