walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
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So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
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Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
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