you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Randomize
