You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
