would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
