i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Randomize
