He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
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