taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
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