Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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