I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
