listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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