Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
