just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
