Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
