It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
I’m going to give his broken heart CPR with my vagina
Randomize
